“We really can’t afford that right now; it’s not in the budget,” I said to my husband with a slightly sad expression. “I would love to do it, but we just need to wait a little bit.”
“This is something I want to do with my wife, so we are going to do it,” he responded firmly but lovingly.
“But…,” then it happened. Adam dramatically but playfully lifted his foot and circled it at the ankle. I knew what that meant. The discussion was over. He was letting me know that he was “putting his foot down.” This foot-twirling message had entered our marriage so long ago I no longer remember when or how it began. Adam doesn’t bring out “the foot” very often, and it is always in a teasing manner, but the message is clear. He is using his authority as my husband to make a decision.
Paul lays out God’s formula for marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33.
Essentially, he says a husband who leads, plus a wife who submits, equals a God honoring marriage. Culture has tried to define these terms in different ways over the centuries. For a long time this formula was used to validate the idea that a man is the king of his castle, and his wife is there to serve him. It was even used to justify a man beating his wife when she didn’t live up to his demands. The age of feminism came, and those who didn’t throw away this formula all together changed the meaning of it. They proposed instead that men and women are equal, and they just need to agree on matters. As believers, we are not supposed to take our cues from culture but from the culture of God’s kingdom. So what does that actually look like?
Paul says that husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loves the Church.
Jesus was a servant-leader who loved, provided, and sacrificed everything—including his life—for his followers, the Church. He did not dominate others but instead treated them with compassion, generosity, and dignity.
Jesus never treated women as lesser beings.
“Submit” in Greek is a military term referencing rank and order. Paul was not saying that women are inferior to men. Instead, he was teaching that in God’s perfect plan there is an order of how things are to go. Husbands are to lead as Christ did, taking on the responsibility and accountability that come with such leadership. Wives are to respect that leadership and by doing so are obedient to the command of Jesus.
It took a long time for me to understand how this translated into real life.
I was fiercely independent when Adam and I met and submitting was not immediately on my agenda. He was ready to take on the role of leader and all that came with it; but I was not eager to be led. It took time for me to learn to trust him. Trust that he would lead out of his love for me; trust that he would not act selfishly but in our combined best interests, and trust that he would listen to what I had to say and give credence to my input.
Now, we work well as a team, trusting each other, valuing the input of the other in all matters. However, when push comes to shove, if we are not in total agreement about something, I choose to let him make the call. I do so knowing that he has weighed out all of the options and is willing to stand accountable before the Lord if he makes the wrong decision. It is not a responsibility he takes lightly, which makes it all the easier for me to surrender to his authority and follow his lead.
If you are married, I would love to hear how you and your spouse have learned to work out God’s formula for marriage in your relationship. If you are not married, does this view of marriage fit with what you envisioned or does it challenge your expectations?
robinson.kristin186 says
Today as I post this, Adam and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage. It has taken a loooong time to get to this place of trusting one another and learning to let him lead. To be really honest, much of the time I do feel like an equal-like we do life 50/50. Even in the times when he does have to take a definitive lead, he is easy to follow because of the way he leads me and our family. I am so thankful that the Lord has helped us learn and grow in this area of our marriage!
Adam Robinson says
Love you babe!!
Iee Robinson says
Great blog. I am really excited to try the ankle twist.
Love you
robinson.kristin186 says
Hahaha! Let me know how that goes.