Navigating Family Dynamics: The Importance of Forgiveness

Family dynamics have been a challenge since the beginning of time.

It is something all of us deal with to one extent or another. Whether our time together is short or long, whether we know each other well or not, family members can be the ones who hurt each other the most. Our deepest wounds often come from those we call family. 

We see this play out in Scripture as well.

The first family was racked with dysfunction when Cain killed his brother Able (Gen. 4). Noah’s son Ham “saw the nakedness of his father” (committed a type of sexual assault, Gen. 9). Abraham sent away his first born son Ishmael when he wouldn’t stop harassing Abraham’s other son Issac (Gen. 21). David had an affair with a married woman, killed her husband, and she miscarried their child (2 Sam. 11 and 12). Even Jesus’ family went to reprimand him when he was ministering to others because they thought he had gone crazy (Mark 3:21). When sin entered the world it infiltrated the family and has been the source of so many hurts. 

My own family has its dysfunction.

My parents divorced when I was young, and both remarried. Blending families and ex-spouses is never easy even in the best of circumstances, and it was hardly the best of circumstances for us. Our family story includes emotional abuse; parents too wrapped up in their own struggles to see what was happening to their children, depression, and anxiety. 

The wonderful thing about God and His love for us is that if we let Him, He can redeem all things.

Cain was sent away but sealed with God’s protection. Noah cursed Ham’s family line but Noah still became the father of all nations after the Flood. Both Ishmael and Issac grew to be the fathers of great nations. David married Bathsheba, and she became the mother of Solomon, the wisest king to ever live. Jesus’ family came to believe in him as the Messiah and were leaders in the early Church.

God is doing a work of redemption in my family as well.

With the help of a counselor, I learned that to address our family dysfunction I needed to start with myself. I needed to identify specific hurts and then work toward forgiveness in each one. This process included sharing my hurts and concerns with those who wounded me but not for the purpose of condemning them. The Devil loves to work in the dark, and it is when we bring struggles into the light that we can find God’s healing. Sharing my hurts and burdens allow me to stop letting the past drag me back into a place of pain, shame, and anger. Instead, I am now moving forward and working through the process of forgiveness. This has taken a lot of work that is still on-going. I am not able to forgive completely and fully in my own power. I have to rely on the presence and promises of Jesus to help me keep walking in forgiveness and not slip back into the memories and emotions of the past. 

Everything is not perfect in my family now. In the end, the only person I can work on is me. Changing myself does not mean that others will change their behavior, and there will always be a need for continued forgiveness because in the end, none of us is perfect. I have also learned the importance of placing boundaries in my life for the benefit and health of some of my relationships within my family. Each boundary looks different and has the potential to change over time as relationship health ebbs and flows. 

There will always be challenging family dynamics to deal with.

As part of our sin nature, we will continue to hurt one another whether we mean to or not. Some hurts will be minor and easily covered by grace. Others will need time for full forgiveness to take place. We cannot punish others by withholding forgiveness, instead we only hurt ourselves. We also suffer when we choose not to address hurts but bury the toxic waste of offenses in the soil of our hearts long term. That drum of hurt will not stay sealed forever, and its toxic contents will seep out poisoning our hearts. Dealing with both past and present hurts is not easy but it is necessary. 

Family dynamics are here to stay. No matter what has or will happen, God can redeem anything. Grace and forgiveness are tools that He gives us to bring healing to the broken place, and there is nothing He can’t fix. 

_{Originally posted June 2, 2022}