How do we Maintain Loving Patience when they just Don’t Seem to Learn?

The fighting. Does it ever stop? Will they ever learn patience with each other and treat each other well? My children love each other; I have no doubt of that. Whether they choose to admit it or not, they are best friends.  But they are both very skilled at pushing the other’s buttons, and these days it often feels like they are in a competition to see who can tap dance across those buttons the fastest and with the greatest frequency.

Each time my kids start in on each other I feel like throwing my head back and growling in frustration.

Adam and I have worked hard at teaching our kids what Scripture has to say about how we treat each other—live in peace with one another (Romans 12:18, 1 Thessalonians 5:13, Hebrews 12:14), think of the other as better than yourself (Philippians 2:3, Romans 12:16), love each other, being kind and patient with one another (1 Peter 3:8-9, I Thessalonians 5:14, Colossians 3:12-13, Galatians  6:10). When the kids were younger I used to admonish them to speak to one another with “kind words in a kind voice.” I was able to retire the phrase a couple of years ago. However, have once again found myself pulling it out, much to the displeasure of my children.

As parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and youth leaders, we want to see these traits come to life in the kids around us.

We experience too many adults in this world who never learned these lessons. We feel the impact of this over and over again. There is so much value in learning to live in peace with one another and treating others with kindness. Why is it so hard for kids to learn this, even with those they love?

Satan works against everything laid out in Scripture that leads to the abundant life God desires for us.

Unity, especially in the Church, is called for repeatedly throughout the New Testament. Satan will do anything to try and bring discord and division between people. This is true especially in the Church and as often as possible, in families. We must not tire in teaching the kids in our lives how to love one another well. Instead, we continue to instruct and wait patiently for them to grow in maturity and understanding. Galatians 6:9 says,”Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Similarly, 2 Chronicles 15:7 encourages us to, “…be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

Even though I still have moments when I could tear my hair out listening to my kids go back and forth, picking at one another, and baiting each other, I also see the growth in them.

They treat peers at school with kindness and empathy. When serving at church, they display patience and gentleness to the younger children they interact with. The concepts we have been trying to teach them about how to treat one another are alive and well inside both of them. This gives me hope and confidence that one day, my children will consistently choose to love each other the way we so desperately wish they would. 

The time and effort we invest in directing children to treat one another well is invaluable.

Even when it seems like they will never choose kindness for a sibling, or patience with a cousin, classmate, or neighbor, don’t give up! Keep teaching, training, and showing them how to live in peace with one another. The hard work we put into these lessons will pay off in the end.

Do you experience these same struggles with your children or children you interact with regularly? Do you know adults that seem to have never learned these lessons? How do you think skills like patience, kindness, and love in interpersonal connections could impact the world we live in today?