Learning the Art of Confrontation

“What’s wrong?” my husband asked. “Nothing,” I said flatly. “No really, what’s wrong? I know something is bothering you,” he said patiently but knowingly. “I’m fine,” I answered. We both knew I was not fine, but this was the charade we went through every time I was upset about something.

For the first decade of our marriage this is exactly how I handled conflict with my husband, Adam.

I avoided it at all costs. Adam on the other hand enjoys leaning into confrontations. He would much rather deal with an issue head-on than let it go unaddressed. These two approaches to conflict led to an unhealthy cycle—I denied anything was bothering me until he pushed me hard enough then I would explode in frustration, spewing out all I had been holding back. While Adam didn’t mind pushing me to the point of spilling my guts, he often felt frustrated that he had to do so.

The truth is I didn’t know how to handle conflict.

This was not something that my family modeled well as I grew up. We had a tendency to shut down, and/or resort to passive aggressive behavior rather than work through frustrations or hurt feelings. One adult figure in my youth consistently confronted me directly and often did so in error and was not willing to consider any other view point. This left me with a strong set of skills in conflict avoidance, often at my own expense. 

What I didn’t understand for a long time was that conflict as a result of confrontation in the context of a personal relationship can be healthy and life- giving.

I had to learn that confrontation didn’t have to be explosive, full of anger, frustration, and accusation. It could be gentle, compassionate, and loving. These were definitely not revelations I came to on my own. God had to do a work in my heart to overcome my propensity for defensiveness and putting up protective walls. I also had to learn to trust in the unconditional love of my husband. 

These new understandings have transformed my marriage and the way we communicate.

However, these changes did not take hold overnight. It was more like dipping my toe in the waters of confrontation and realizing that I didn’t drown. The next time I could be a little bolder, a little more forward. It took time to slow down, discover what I was feeling, and why I was feeling it. The process of learning to communicate those feelings without attacking Adam took even more time.

I am incredibly thankful for this change in our marriage.

 I never would have imagined it, but the better we get with confrontations the stronger our relationship becomes. Fewer thoughts and feelings get left unsaid and we work through hurts or disagreements more quickly. 

I still have a long way to go in transferring these skills to relationships outside of my marriage.

I find it difficult to trust the depth of my connections with others enough to overcome the possible strain that can come from confrontation. I also struggle with the confidence that others will be open to what I have to say and not just shut me down. Healthy confrontation requires both parties to be willing to be wrong. That means I have to have the courage to confront someone with humility and accept that my perspective was the one in error, or the courage to stand my ground when my point of view is not well received. 

This can be true in our relationship with God as well.

He is never afraid to confront us (Job 40, Jonah 4, Matthew 23), but He does allow us to question Him as well (Psalm 43, 74, Habakkuk1). Confronting God with a heart of humility, a desire to understand, and with trust in His sovereignty can lead to a greater depth of relationship with Him.

What are your thoughts about confrontation/conflict? Do you shy away from it like me? Or do you jump at the chance to challenge erroneous thoughts or behaviors? Do you handle conflict in a healthy manner, or do you become defensive or argumentative?